Be a billion bulldozers
breaking down my heart.
A heart is made of human concrete,
it cracks (doesn't tear) and crumbles into sand.
In the palm of your hand you hold a heap of it
and the granules are dispersing through the air.
You should care, you don't
you're wet concrete still,
haven't found out how to solidify,
how to be something real.
But something real isn't just something you can feel.
Its something you'll never be
because you don't get it at all.

Stay stalwart and true,
make gray sparkle silver,
make blue yellow-gold.
Be the rainbow, guide me through
be a million shattering diamonds
at the center of the earth,
like beneath this flesh,
we're all like you inside.
But once we dry up,
the yellow grasses remain.
Shifting, stirring
in the stalwart and true wind.

My arms are full of spiders
My head is full of webs
but I still can't really understand
any of those things you said.

i am great, you know its true
I saw the words inside of you.
You want to hold me, well, you can
You want to hold me, you have a man.

But I still can't really understand
all those things you do.
You flirt and dance with my thoughts
You are great, I know its true.

I'm dead on the outside,
but please don't give up hope.
Cut off all of the sagging limbs
Hold me up with sticks and rope.

Bring me back with those summer days
the ones with sun and light
Make me out like the one you thought
was supposed to make things right.

Because after every summer
must come the cold
and like every other song I've sung
this one's getting old.

And you're tired of the same,
I see it in your eyes.
Bring your summer to my tundra
and let the seasons collide.

She's like a diamond
only imperfect,
the flaw inside.
The sides are smooth and spectacular,
she's a catalyst for endless light.
She's set as stone,
but unlike stone she speaks.
Her voice cures like melodies,
and her way with words works wonders on my ears.
She's endlessly giving,
abundant as the air,
but tainted she is,
growing greener with illness everyday.
I wish there were a way to save her,
but she must wish for it herself.
She gives to the forces of nature freely,
she throws caution to the wind.

Worst Things

He said there were worst things in life than death
But I die every time my neck feels his breath
And when we kiss, I know God's out there
The devil is waiting with those "worst things" somewhere.

My mother folds linens by herself in her home.
She knows there are worst things than being alone.
She turns up the volume as she lays down in bed
Hoping it will drown out the thoughts in her head.

My father hungs me when our lunch date is done.
He knows there are worst things than his gay son.
I have my problems and he has his
He can't see where he lost his wife and kids.

My sister believes there aren't worst things than love
Even though her man was sent from above.
But she's afraid to get used to having him near
Because love can go as quickly as it appears.

The best things in life are harder to name
Because often the best and worst are the same.
Life is a circle, back to the sea we'll all go
There are worst things than that, I suppose.

The path is a mirror,
so you're always heading back.
No way to make the right choices,
no way to return home.
Because the center cinches,
it presses the past into a thin line
which blinks and burps out of existence.
Where you and I leave off is always just behind,
and I leave you in a path I'd never want to see again.
But mirrors are circles.
I'll keep coming back, always.

Merman

Every night, the same device
made for coping, mad about nothing
because I'm the only one.
The ship has sailed,
and you were left behind.
But the life you made,
well, its the life you would have chosen, anyway.
That's the way you make things look.
Effortless, like they were always meant to be.
Life stretched in the sea,
kept like kelp beneath.
And you were so aquatic,
your thoughts were so nautical
your touch is so marine.

Forever

Two drinks deep
not deep enough.
I need some sleep,
but not too much.
Heavy hearted
plenty to feel
light on my feet
stealing away again.
Out into the darkness,
with no eyes watching
just remembering things
I'd said, done
felt, made you feel
corporeal, they were real!
I swear they were real.
Moved to tears, moved to your knees.
Another night,
begging forgiveness,
baby please.
Not tonight,
okay, tonight.
Not tonight,
another night.

No Returns or Exchanges

Insomnia, I can't sleep
I don't want to because I can't dream.
Everything I've wanted,
well, reality.
Everything I've ever thought of,
well, the truth is more frightening.
Everything I've done
all comes back in my sleep.
But dreams are supposed to be
just synapses crackling.
But they all make sense.
I can draw the lines
between your mind
and where mine connect.
I can build a sand castle
of all my thoughts
a kingdom I'll erect.

I can sleep, I can't dream
I can sleep, I can't live.
I can't breathe, I can find
the limit in my limbs.
I can find the inside
but I get lost every time.
I can't find the outside
because its blindingly bright.
I don't sleep because robots
they don't function while wet.
I cry every time
my head touches the bed.
I can lift a blue whale
I can excavate dinosaur bones.
But the things that I've done
well, they can't leave me alone.
I don't dream because everything I am, I once wanted.
And now that I have it,
well, I want to return it.

PLANKTON

I guess it was decided
for me,
to hide what's underneath the surface.
to float beneath what's left.
I stick around,
I sink under
like plankton
pushed back and forth through the lazy currents
no one really cares
no one really sees.
What whales do notice
most people can't.
Ironic, you'd think
that it takes something so big
to notice something so small.
But like cetaceans gliding through the water
I have no control
over the place I am in
or the places I'll see.
My fate in the hands of the ocean.
My life drifting in the sea.

I'm awake
but did I ever fall asleep?
My dreams, just stencils of real life
the outlines lay outside anything you know
have seen
ever been a part of.
And does it bother you?

Does it bother you to know
I'm twelve people, none of which you know?
None of which exist anymore, but me
I'm just the stencil of who I used to be.
And does it bother you?

Well, I don't see why it would.
We're twelve people removed
I'm twelve boyfriends behind your current one.
And it doesn't bother me
I'm the one who said it'd be alright.

Moving on, you've moved on
I'm still right here,
like I always am.
Like I've always been.
Like the earth to the stars,
they move away and I grow old.
They live forever
in the memories of the skies.

And I'm alright,
I'll always be.
I'm static and I'm free.
Something you always disliked in me.
But what's not to like,
I've never changed.
I'm still right here.
My mind is the only thing that wanders.

The animal
awakes

he's like a preying
manmade robot of a man
he's the beast within.

He takes, he gives
he lives within me like an artificial heart
beating
ticking as it slows.

What's a boy to do
without his skin
All the parts are fake,
the inside parts
the outside parts
the important parts.

They've all been replaced
by an astronaut's idea
and a dreamer's plan.

But a soul is found
a soul is inherent
a soul is something in between.
A soul is nothing
nothing since you.

The man is stripped of dignity
the man is made to feel his pain.
Another quiet night again.
Only the beast remains.

Your boyfriend, he doesn't seem to like me
Is it because of our make-believe imagining?
That you are free, that I am me
and everything about it is perfect and pretty?
I doubt that, I can't follow it through
because everything I am just reminds me of you.
Its this self-loathing, self-masturbatory self-loathing
the one where I'm important
and you are listening.
Four years, four days
I've waited for you.
Is it too late for me to be true?
Because everything I am, its reflected in you.
You know its true, and you don't know what to do.
I catch your eyes from across the room.
You push me away and then you pull me to your womb
our garden, our garden's in bloom.
cherries, tomatoes couldn't ignite this gloom.
And boom! You're all about the bed.
Passing it off like its all in my head.

That's fine. I'll except that I'm nuts.
I've heard that from boys and I feel it in my guts.
It doesn't hurt, like it did before.
I still want more and I can't wait for what's in store
for me
for everything that's worth.
Even if its nothing, then I guess I'm just cursed.
But I'm fine.
I'm doing alright.
I'll just move along like I do every night.
Just wait for me, and I'll wait for you.
We'll see what's at the end of this dark, so true.

Body

My face
my hands
travel distant lands
across the flesh
on your chest;
through dense forests
of curly hair
across the mountains
hills maybe
of gooseflesh
that come up,
seismic activity when we touch.
But the underside of your skin
as you turn to your side
away from me, the moon
rises when you do;
the breath to the east
your back to the west,
or a full rotation away
until my lips meet
the small of your back,
and move up
its love
the way your shoulder blades pinch
me in
suck me in
pull me in
let me in.

The night is loud
through the window;
the rolling waves of cars
coming for the wall
adjacent to my room
into my heart -
I always knew a car
accident would be the death of me.
I can feel it inside
I can feel it in the hurricane
in my heart.
I can feel it in the wind
in my lungs.
I can know it in your face
your sad, sagging pout.
I can know it in your pores
trying to get me out.
Am I system?
Are you on overdrive?
Do I make you feel contagious
when you're kissing that other guy?
Do I make you feel alive?
This night, on the second month
on the fourteenth day,
I will think of you, won't I?
I will miss you every night
from here on out, for another year.
I'll follow a routine
You're not on my team
rooting for me
or hoping to see me
any place
anymore.
The night is loud
but so am I
I'll scream to the traffic passing by
"Don't you wish he was your guy?!
He was mine at one time."
And finally,
the night is quiet
with only the echoes of crickets
and your bouncing laugh
in my dreams.
The night is loud, I said,
but the world around me sleeps.

And on the day that things fell through
I sat on a bench and thought of you
It was cold and crisp, but the sky was clear
and through the breeze, I could almost hear
you say, "you know, it really hurts
when you tell me you love me, but it doesn't work.
Its not enough to get us through
but all I do is think of you."

And it was really great, those early weeks
when we'd sleep together, cheek to cheek
I'd pull you in, and our arms would tangle
our bodies contorted into twisted angles.
Its funny how quickly love can go
and melt down as quick as snow.
The evidence that it ever was
is as traceable as our flaws.

Oh, those early months, when it was easy
when, without you, I'd get queasy.
Its funny how quickly love can die
cremated and airborne into the sky.
But we move forward, we always do
its not easy, but we have to.
We pick up the pieces of broken love
and take what we wish to get a hold of.

So I sit some places, and often think
if I could have done things differently?
I lay my head back, and I can hear you say,
"You've made me want to wither away."

The white castle,
melting icicles
is as icy as the road.
The road that leads you there
the road that led you
from wherever it is you come from
is hidden beneath the snow.
So how did it go?
How did you come?

Its u.

I miss you
I kiss you goodbye
You're off to that other guy,
the one you left me for
before you knew he existed.

I know what you need
you need someone, not me
someone who'll love you
and need you
and see you for you
instead of as Play-Doh,
oh, no,
I've done it again!
I've turned all my boyfriends into tasteless, nontoxic types.
Whatever color, or shape, or picture I want.

But still - its always you I remember.
Its always your color, your shape, that frame that you filled.
Its my insides you've killed.
Its the foundation I've built
its all the emotions I've drowned out with dreamless nights.

Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
.

$$$ Love

I put my money where my mouth is
I keep it going south
I hold six dollars up, you'll give it up
because you know no other way to make six bucks.
Your fake surprise, that O shaped mouth
I've seen it before -
maybe some porno mag
on another face at a different time.
The repetitive bass beat
beating on your knees
through your teeth
past your tongue and tonsils,
to the music-maker of your body.

I'm jealous of your breath,
to be inside you,
must be the most luxurious of cages,
pull me in! Pull me in. Suck me in.
I'm a million dissolving atoms
breaking down with every explosion within.
Dollar signs go off in your eyes,
spinning around your head like cartoon butterflies.
And is it your fault or mine
that your insides are all black?
Cigarettes dragged across your throat
like matchsticks on flesh,
the spark of a million atom bombs going off.

What you are, I didn't make you
I joined long after the party started,
but I'm glad I'm came, and you came
and we're here, all the same
lying on your bed, your head in my lap.
Blowing smoke rings up into my face.
I get tunnel vision.
I shrink again, but the darkness
between both of us
is indistinguishable from being inside you.
So what's the difference?

I've seen what you are,
and I love every second of it.
I've seen what you do,
and I want to be part of it.
These black tunnels, well, they're just the pathway
and you're just the vessel.
I was already on this road -
nothing will keep me away.